AMBER

AMBER

(Short story by Boots Tirol. Part of "VERMILLION and other ‘colorful’ stories")

---

It is incorrect to say that when David saw her again, he choked.

---

He was sipping his martini, watching the sea breeze play with the white cloth draped on the cabana, his elbow casually resting on the table, when Amina sat down across him and smilingly announced her arrival with a “Tada!”

He was not so surprised to see her to elicit the gasp that made him choke on his drink. It was just that her eyes were so beautiful.

What surprised him was why he didn’t really notice them before. It was usually her smile—the smile she was wearing now – that captured his attention.

It was forty past four. The afternoon sunlight made her brown eyes so much lighter that he could clearly see her irises had dark brown streaks and tiny specks of yellow in them.

Her eyes were looking at him now, waiting for him to say something. He stared back at them. Are they hazel? No, they’re almost orange.

No, amber. He decided. Amber like sweet dark honey…

“It’s impolite to stare, Dave” she said, her smile widening.

“I know... But your beauty renders me helpless,” David said, regaining his composure. He reached out for a table napkin and wiped his mouth.

She laughed gleefully. “You haven’t changed one bit! God, I missed you!” she playfully slapped his arm. “I’m so glad Dally organized this whole reunion thing. Ang galing no?”

You have not changed too. You still think I’m joking all the time. “Yeah… And you haven’t changed. The beautiful Amina... Late as usual.” David hid his smile, pausing to see her reaction.

“Oi, I’m early for the dinner party naman.” She pouted.

David chuckled. “Don’t worry, I was also late. When I got here, most of the guys were already drunk.” He grinned, pointing to the empty liquor bottles at the side of the table.

“Well, better late than never.” She shrugged.

“Yeah… that’s a good motto” He teased. “Thirsty?”

“No, thanks. I had coffee on the plane.”

“Naks. The jet-setter. Where did you go this time, again– Vietnam?”

“Hoy, Vietnam was two years ago – was that the last time we saw each other?— Anyway, I just came back from Gibraltar.”

“Sorry I couldn’t keep track, Miss World Traveler,” he leaned towards her and lightly pinched her nose. “Gibraltar, huh? Isn’t that a rock?”

She laughed out loud. He felt a gust of fresh air swirl around his neck and under his ears. Her amber eyes sparkled when she laughed. They reminded him of refreshing iced tea on a hot summer day. God, she’s so beautiful. Was she always this beautiful?

“Earth to David!” she waved her right hand. Her eyes grew serious. “I know geography isn’t your thing, but am I as boring as Professor Quinto?”

“Sorry… It’s just that… um…” David stammered.

“What?”

“Uh… uh…” Damnit. Say something David. He cleared his throat. “Um. Are you wearing colored contact lenses?”

She chuckled. “No, oi. Why would I wear lenses when I have such beautiful eyes?” she good-humoredly batted her eyelashes.

“Oh… It’s just that I didn’t notice before that they were so uh…” Beautiful… Pretty… Captivating… “…uh… light colored.” He raised his glass to hide his reddening face.

“Well, that’s because you don’t see things under your nose!” she teasingly accused him.

He laughed. Witty. That was what she always said when he would tease her for being small and called her “little woman”. She said his being tall was a disadvantage because he was always losing his stuff. He was five foot ten. That would make a lot of things under his nose. She had been the one to remind him of his keys, his wallet, his phone, his books. She was always the one to… She was always the… He shook his head, stopping his thoughts.

He took a long sip, and he slowly put down his drink. “Not all things. Not all things,” he managed to defend himself while he absent-mindedly circled his finger around the rim of his glass.

“Yeah… not all, but you don’t notice most things…” she softly countered “… or some people… some little people,” she mumbled. She narrowed her eyes and looked away.

David looked up, sensing the change of mood. He silently followed her gaze. The tide had risen and began to destroy a few sandcastles on the beach. Three of their friends were chatting by the water’s edge while their toddlers splashed near them. The breeze was getting colder. The sun was beginning to set.

Then he looked back at her. The sunset illuminated her tanned skin, creating a reddish glow that made her look fragile yet strong. Her lips were slightly frowning, reminding him that she can be really stubborn. He smiled as he recalled their many all-night debates. Wisps of her long wavy hair escaped her ponytail. He half-expected that she would fix them up, a movement so natural which he found so elegant -- her slender arms gracefully raised to her head, her neck bend down, her fingers dexterously twisting and tying.

He felt giddy as if he had just consumed a whole bottle of champagne. He remembered feeling like this before. He remembered he had reasons why he had brushed it aside. But he could not recall any of it now. He took a deep breath and exhaled. He let his unfinished thoughts go... She was always the one. God. She was always the one.

He hesitantly reached out to gently touch her arm. “Y’know, once in a while I do notice important things,” he whispered.

She glanced back at him. Her eyes matched the approaching sunset— intense but melancholic.

She smiled weakly, “You didn’t notice the engagement ring on my finger.”

---

It is thus incorrect to say that when David saw her again, he choked. He simply could not breathe.

---

He did not move. He did not look down at her hand. He could not dare.

“Dan followed me to Gibraltar. We got back together.” She explained. “Well, you could say I came back from the ‘Rock’ with a rock” she quietly joked.

David did not laugh. His pulse was racing. Blood was drumming in his ears. What will happen if I tell her now? What if I’ll tell her now…Tell her now. “It’s now or never,” he murmured. He paused to take a deep breath…

“Huh? Well, yes. You’re right. That’s what I told myself. It’s now or never” She spoke softly and slowly. “I realized that I wasn’t getting any younger… That I should get silly fantasies out of my head…”

She looked at him and continued when he didn’t respond. “I don’t know why I’m explaining myself. But you see, getting married is always a risk... There’ll always be questions. Don’t get me wrong, Dan is a great guy and what we have is special. It’s just that… I was waiting for… I don’t know… something.” She paused. “Then I realized I can’t wait all my life. I should just go ahead and plunge, y’know…and just commit to what I have with Dan… for the rest of my life.”

David froze in his seat. Oh God. She’s the one… she’s the one… the one who’ll get away.

“Congratulations” David managed to say.

“Thank you.” She said smiling. “Though it took you more than ten minutes to say that. It’s better late than never.”

Not if it’s too late. Not if it’s too late. David sighed to himself.

He fixed his eyes on her pretty amber eyes.

She held his gaze.

David did not blink until his eyes hurt.

#

(P.S. This is a work in progress. Please do leave your comments/corrections. Thanks!)

"Reformatted": Ready to Move On (Part 2 of 2)

I have the same password for almost all my internet accounts. It makes it easier to remember, and less confusing.

My password (now old password) had something to do with my previous relationship.
I didn't bother to change it because I found it a daunting task to change all my passwords.
I have accounts in Yahoo!, Gmail, UP Webmail and CRS, Ateneo mail, Ateneo's aisis (where we input grades, etc), Flixter, Multiply, Blogger, Youtube, Esnips, and in a lot more sites (my Facebook and Friendster have different passwords though).
Besides, I had that password for years now and my fingers have acquired muscle memory.

I also didn't see it as such a big deal. Yes, I remember some things everytime I log in, but I have accepted the fact that there are just things in the past that have become a part of me and would be hard to forget.

But again, another technological glitch intervened.

The other day, I had trouble signing into Yahoo! Messenger.
After a few more tries, a prompt popped up that said "Sign in problems."
I clicked it and found out it was a password resetting mechanism.

Yahoo! presented me with the opportunity to change my password.
I took that opportunity.
This time, I made a password that didn't have anything to do with anyone else.

After changing my password, Yahoo! asked "Ready to move on?"

I laughed.

And clicked Yes.

#

P.S.
I have since changed my password in most of my accounts, and my fingers have adapted quite well.

Reformatted: A fresh start (part 1 of 2)

How are you? My teammates asked me last Tuesday.

"Reformatted" I answered.

They laughed and cheered.

I was serious though.

Indeed, this year have been a year of changes.

My 5-yr-plus relationship with someone I loved ended last August. I am longer studying in law school this semester. Even my computer and my phone were reformatted.

But with losing, I have gained a lot more... I gained...


A lot of blank spaces, and more storage capacity.

My cellphone's system was corrupted and had to be reformatted. I lost my schedules, my notes, my codes, my messages and my numbers.

Now, I have a lot of space in my phone memory.

I feel a little lost. I feel a little disoriented. All that I store in my phone are important. There were ideas, topics that I want to write about, list of stuff that people borrowed from me, etc that I had put in my Notes. There were schedules and birthdays that I haven't copied to my planner. There are important numbers that weren't saved in the SIM (but thank God I had a copy of family members' numbers).

But then, I guess there are things that I need to let go, like the messages that I could not erase...

Now, I can get new heartwarming and funny messages from other people, and store them in my now freed-up memory space.

Translating it to the non-gadget world, I can make new memories, and have a lot of space in my mind and heart to store them.

As it is said, you have to let go of what you are holding, in order to receive more gifts.


A lot of free time, and freedom.

I am on a "break" from my law studies. When the disappointment waned, the feeling of excitement of the things I can do with my "free" time set in. However, I have to get used to the feeling of not feeling "burdened". I had to admit that feeling "stressed" over cases and provisions gave me a sense that I am doing something important. The trouble of feeling light is that you can feel you're "floating." Lightness can be unbearable.

But I am excited to do all of the things I want to do. Travel. Write. Sing.Dance. Learn to play an instrument. Learn a new language. Swim. Run. Laugh. Breathe.

Of course, I still dream of becoming a lawyer. I would still be willing to grasp the thorns to hold the rose. But now, I need a break to get a new perspective. Now, I can see that I can do what I enjoy and be all that I can be. This break can actually bring me a step closer to my dream, since now I am no longer afraid of failing. And I can reach for the sky, without the fear of falling.

And now I can dream bigger dreams. Sky's the limit.


A lot of learning.

When my 5-year-plus serious relationship ended, I had to remind myself of who I was without this person, and tweak my life plans. It seemed that I had to start from scratch. The good thing about starting from scratch is that you can make anything you want. But then, I'm not starting from scratch. I have learned a lot from this relationship.

I learned how to love, how to let go, and how to heal.

I have experienced the feeling of real happiness, and now I know how real heartbreak feels.

I have learned to let go of bad things, and now I know how to let go of good things that are not meant for me.

I have experienced how to be loved, and now I learned to love enough to set someone free.

I have learned how to give of myself, and now I have learned how to love myself more.


A fresh start.

A few weeks ago, I was explaining to my colleague that my computer was reformatted by my "ex", so I lost my files in my Windows Media Library.

Other colleagues overheard and teased me. "Who? Who?"

I said "My ex"

And they continued teasing, "What did he do?"

Without batting an eyelash, I said "He reformatted my life"

He didn't really reformat my life.

But he gave me an opportunity to get to know myself more. The opportunity to unlearn and relearn things. And learn new ones. Build and rebuild. He gave me an opportunity to grow.

Now, I have a fresh start.

I can spread my wings some more.

Love some more.

And live some more.

Funny Moments

During our office evaluation, everybody was already tired when it was the Resource Generation Team's turn to present their report.
The first slide of their presentation indicated "1 of 22" slides.
Everybody groaned.
After explaining the data in the 2nd slide,however, my colleague said "So that's it. That's our report"
"What about the other 20 slides?" we asked.
He smiled. "Oh. It's the same slide duplicated over and over."

---

In my law class, the professor asked, "Is there anyone from Ilo-ilo here?"
Nobody answered.
The professor repeated the question.
Then, a classmate raised her hand.
Delighted, the professor said, "Oh, so you're from Ilo-ilo?"
My classmate answered, "No sir. I just want to go to the bathroom"

---

In another law class, the professor was grilling me because I could not remember the provision he asked for.
He asked "Miss Tirol. When was the last time you watched TV?"
I answered, "Last week sir"
"Do you remember what you watched?" he continued, trying to make his point clear
"Yes sir"
"What did you watch?"
"The news regarding the suspension of classes sir"
The professor chuckled and said "In all my years of teaching, I never had an answer like that. That is sui generis! I'll always remember your answer."

Vintage Bluebook

It was past 9pm. I was one of the last few students still puzzled over the final exam questions, when the professor asked everyone to submit their papers.

I hurriedly went to his table and folded my questionnaire so I can insert it into my exam bluebook, as instructed. Suddenly, the professor shouted "Why are you doing that in front of me, why on my table? Do that somewhere else!"

Surprised, I apologized, went to one of the desks in front, fixed my papers, stood near the professor and waited for him to finish ranting.

Then he asked "So, is there anyone else who want to submit?"

"Sir..." I said, raising my bluebook.

"Well, are you going to submit that or not?"

Like a child who was being scolded, I said quietly, "I'm going to submit it sir..."

"Then submit it now!" he shouted again.

I gave him my bluebook as quickly as I could.

When he received it, he saw that I used a bluebook of lower quality than the rest (I used the one for the undergraduate students). He said "Your bluebook is so vintage! Grabe ka..."

I managed a weak smile and hurried to get my things.

I wanted to cry. I thought, "What did I do wrong? I just took that freakin exam, and I got shouted at? I deserve better"

I loved that professor the whole semester. He's brilliant. But I don't think that gives him the right to shout at people.

Well, no one has the right to shout at people. But many of the "gods" in law school do.

I remembered what my former blockmate said to me "Law school makes us think and think that we forget to feel. Crying is a crime. Smirking is punished. We lose our hearts. We forget our faces..."

That is why I went back to work and transferred to the evening section, because the more I struggled in law school, the more I forgot my reasons why I was there in the first place.
Working in the office I am now, and having the opportunity to work with students and communities, made me remember why I wanted to be a lawyer.

But that night after my exam, When I got out from the building, I felt I had enough of law school.

This law school, anyway.

----

"Maybe I rub professors the wrong way" my good friend and former blocmkate* said to me the other day at Starbucks. "Because you know, the female professors never liked me"

She proceeded to recount her horror stories. To which I laughed, not because the stories are funny, but because they become funny when shared with a friend.
(Which was the purpose of the Starbucks date -- to share what was bothering us and hopefully laugh about it together. and of course, catch up).

"Maybe because you're pretty" I suggested to my friend, who is one of the most gorgeous people I have ever met/known**.

She made a face.

"Well, maybe I rub the professors the wrong way too" I said. She smiled, knowing that I have had a lot of "moments" with professors.

Take for instance, during one of our final exams, I was sitting in front, so the professor gave me the test papers. I stood up and distributed the papers to my classmates. The professor approached me and said "Miss Tirol, this is not a singing contest. You don't have to stand up."

I got upset, since I was just trying to help! (By singing contest, he was referring to my being part of the champion choir. To which he also commented in class that we were "better singers than students".)

I now smile when I recall this incident (no use sweating over small stuff).

My friend and I talked some more why she was worried, and why I was sad.

Then I told her "You could always pursue your other dream. Just go to New York and sing in Broadway."

She made a funny face again. "I want to write music, and make a musical" she said.

I said "I want to write, and join a musical too. Cast me in your musical"

She said "Let's just finish what we started"

When we parted ways, she said "Tell me the results, ok?"

"I just hope that he won't grade me based on my vintage bluebook."

I sighed, and waved goodbye.

---

* awww. I miss you Block A! I love you all.
** if you're reading this... yes, you are! don't be shy! haha

Silence

How do you not run out of new things to say? James Ingram asked.

I have a million thoughts running in my head.

A thousand words to say. A hundred stories to tell.

I have an infinite string of feelings to express.

An ocean of dreams to share.

I have a million questions to ask.

A thousand things to discover. A hundred stories to hear.

I have a lifetime.

So I take my time.

Or I may only have a few seconds.

So I utter everything in one breath.

I can write a novel for everything I want to convey

or I can say it in a word.

Or I can say nothing.

Be silent.

Since I have a million things to say,

I run out of things to.

But I know I don't have to say anything,

and it's still ok.

I'll just listen.

Be quiet.

Sometimes, Ronan Keating is right.

You say it best when you say nothing at all.

:-)

Filipino Pride

The Pangkat Alab of the Ship for South East Asia Youth Program 2008 (SSEAYP) had their National Day Presentation at Bahay Tsinoy, Intramuros last night (Oct 12).

The 27 Youth Ambassadors, who will be joining other young people from different asian countries, presented to officials, families and friends, what they will be showing during their designated cultural night in their 2-month long trip around asian countries.

They presented dances and music that showcased Filipino culture, tradition and memories of 500 years.

They also had their version of the "Byahe Tayo" MTV (which features everything that's beautiful in and about the Philippines), and they presented video clips on how they know they're Pinoy ("I point with my lips", and the like), and why they are proud to be one (one said, "because Filipinos are resilient", another said "Filipinos made the jeepney from garbage and surplus materials, while another said "we are the sms capital of the world!" and another said "there's no reason not be proud").

I was amazed that these young leaders -chosen from different regions- were very talented and put up a very good performance. And they had a lot of heart.

Further, I was awed at how beautiful and ingenious our dances were. I mean-- like, how many things can you do with a piece of cloth? In one Luzon dance, cloth was twisted and put on top of the head for the "jar dance". The "padango sa ilaw" used cloth to carry lighted candles and wave it around. And of course there's the Malong dance from Mindanao. Amazing.

I was also amused that one part of the show seemed "dedicated" to E-heads songs! I guess the Eraserheads had become Pinoy pop icons.

The show made me feel so proud of the Filipino youth, of the Filipino talent, and of being Pinoy!And of course, I am so proud of my cousin Ivy (who was the best dancer there!)

Congratulations and Bon Voyage Pangkat Alab.

We are very proud of you. Raise the banner high!
---

After the show though, I walked through the cobble-stone streets of Intramuros with Kuya Butch, hoping to hail a cab home.

Lining the side of the street were dozens of homeless families. Most of them already sleeping.

My heart made a dip like in a roller-coaster ride.

Just a few minutes ago, I was filled with Filipino pride. Then suddenly I was faced with the harsh reality of the situation of most Filipino people.

I swallowed hard, and allowed my heart to silently cry out to God.

The scene reminded me again, that there is still much that needs to be done. As a young person, who believes in social justice and hopes to create positive changes in society, I tend to get frustrated because there is only so much we can do.

But again, with the passion and the hope that I saw in the young leaders that night, I know that there is also much that can be done.

I shared these thoughts with a friend and she said, "We all hope that the Philippines will rise like the phoenix."

Yes, a phoenix. Burning with fire of hope. Making the Filipino talent, ingeniuty, and goodness radiate brightly for the world to see. Go Pinoy!

*ok. Gotta back to the NSTP evaluation now... haha

Night Whisperer

I was already sleeping the other night when I heard someone -- or something-- whisper loudly to me. As I gained full consciousness, I felt the "whisperer" just inches above my face, close enough for a kiss. When I opened my eyes, I felt a cold wind blow. And of course, nobody or nothing was there.

I was alone in my room.

I got really frightened. I was tired and sleepy but could not go back to sleep.
I sent messages to friends, hoping someone was still awake.
Two friends responded to my message after a few minutes, while others contacted me a few hours later. I am grateful for my friends' concern (thank you my friends!!!), and I am also amazed at how varied their reactions were.

One friend said "Don't think about it! We're champions!" (I wondered if she was dreaming about the Ateneo-LaSalle game. haha)

Another friend calmed me down by explaining it "scientifically". She said when we are between waking and sleeping, the brain clears out clutter. With this, the mind can play tricks on us. She told me to listen to music and relax.

Another friend's reaction was to ask "Did you lock your door?"

Another friend told me to pray and bind the spirit.

And another friend joked about it and said "Maybe it just whispered 'sweet dreams'".

I don't really know what it was -- a psychological phenomena, a spirit, or a thief/human trespasser (which is most unlikely). I don't know if I should just forget about it, laugh about it, or pray some more -- though praying some more would be a really good thing to do.

Now, my reaction is to write about it, and to vow never to watch horror films again.

Yes, I really shouldn't watch horror films since I have a very active imagination, and I have had some strange experiences (although I always discount them).

Years ago, I saw a lady in a flowing white dress pass by me when I awoke around 3 am. I was in my aunt's bedroom in Project 6. I froze and closed my eyes so tight until I fell back to sleep.

My former roommate (who also shared a bed with me) used to have visions and nightmares. Once, she told me she saw someone rise from the bed, in the space between us. Another time, she said she saw someone standing over our bed, looking at us.

I didn't really believe what I saw in Project 6 or believe my roommate. Or I refuse to, because it's scary to think about it. If seen from the perspective of science, it's scary to think that the mind can go wrong (think: schizophrenia can manifest through hallucinations. hehe).
If seen from a spiritual perspective, well... the thought of living among spirits or creatures that I don't see or understand scares me.

It's 2 a.m. now.

I should sleep now.

I shall now whisper... to the moon and to all of you... "Good night...".

I hope I won't hear something in here whisper back.

#

A UP Moment

Toddlers were adorably staggering, trying to walk. Dogs happily barked. Bikers and joggers slowly passed by.

The sweet smell of grass in the air mixed with laughter and laid-back banter filled the atmosphere with relaxing energy.

It was sunday. I was sitting inside the Katipunan jeepney, waiting for it to fill up, and enjoying
the gleeful noise from the picnickers at the UP Sunken Garden.

Beside me were two students trying to sing the UP Naming Mahal. They have forgotten the lyrics and were resigned to humming the song.

I hummed along.

They looked at me and laughed.

I asked them if they wanted me to tell them the lyrics.

They said yes, please.

I sang the entire hymn. (I should know it by heart, since I've been in UP for a long long time!)

When I reached the last part "Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng bayan",

the students sang with me and raised their arms.

They cheered and thanked me.

The other people in the jeep just looked at us curiously.

I smiled.

I still smile when I think of that "UP" moment.


#

(UP Fight! Happy Centennial UP! hehe)

Young Bootsie's List

I was looking for something among my old stuff (my "treasures" that accumulated through the years) and I found my old diaries and scribbles.

I read some, laughed at some things that I wrote (like the one that said "Dear God, I am incredibly tired that you have to forgive me if I fall asleep without even finishing this sentence"),
understood the issues of my younger self, and marveled at my reflections (not so bad, not bad at all).

Then I came across an exercise that PK made me do back in college (part of helping me out of the pit). I was told to list down the things that hindered or burdened me, and to list things about myself or about my life that I liked/loved.

I listed around 24 negative things. While I came up with 33 positive ones.

I would like to share some of the positive things here.
They are all in random, and they are as honest as my younger self could get.
I will not edit them, but will just omit a few. The last number made me laugh and thought, "What was i thinking then?"

Here they are.

The Positive Things in My life:

1. I love to write. I can convey my thoughts on paper and can create an effect on people.
I feel powerful with my pen. I feel creative and talented with writing.

2. I love music. Singing frees my soul. I can express myself through songs. I can serve God
through music.

3. I love caring for people. I welcome my friends into my home. I listen to people. I like
to make people laugh. I like to make them happy.

4.I love teaching. Especially kids. I think I am an effective teacher.

5. I like being with people. Talking to them. I like organizing activities.

6. I love my family. My family loves me. They support me, no matter what. They care for me.

7. I had a happy childhood. I remember many carefree childhood memories. Running around
in the rain. Catching fireflies. Climbing trees. Playing house.

8. One of my happiest moments was when my article got published.

9. I love to travel. Adventure. See places and gain new experiences.

10. My list of positive things is growing long. That is a very positive thing!

11. I am young. I am looking forward to things. There is much ahead of me. I can use my
youth, my strength and energy for God.

12. I have faith in God. I know he loves me. I am not afraid because he is there.

13.I love UPCYM.

14. I have friends.

15. People care for me. I found people who care. Mommy Vany, Rania...

16. I don't have a bad mind. I can understand complex things if I really try. I have ideas.

17. I see wonder in things, especially nature. The stars. The leaves. The sea.

18. I am trying to learn my lessons.

19. I can love. I have the capacity to love.

20. I can laugh.

21. I have things that I need. Food, etc.

22. I have time. If managed wisely, it would allow me to pursue great things.

23. God is definitely working in my life. And He who started a good work would be
faithful to complete it.

24. I love summers. There's some charm in summertime.

25. I love quiet evenings with my thoughts.

26. I love sundays in Caingget. I love family gatherings.

27. I love milk. Milk makes me healthy.


This list really helped me back then. Now, I am glad to have found this list at this point of my life. With the heartaches and dilemmas of late that I have been experiencing, I miss PK and want to ask him for advice. With this, I got PK back (somehow), and I understood and appreciated myself more.

I thank God that He led me to this list.

I am going to make a new one, which would still include most of the things I wrote down years
ago. Of course, with all the things that has happened in my life through the years, I can add a few more positive ones.

You might want to write a list of your own too.

#

No Day But Today

"Who's sitting here?" the professor asked, pointing to an empty seat in front

"Ms. Reyes*, sir"

"Where is she? Is she still alive?"

The class laughed.

"Why are you laughing at the prospect of her death?"

The professor was making the class laugh as usual, but what he said was actually profound.

There we were, in Succession class. Where Death is a given, and the questions left to be
answered were "whether or not there was a valid will" or "whether or not the decedent have heirs..." etc etc.

We laughed because, I think, we do not really think that Death is going to come for us sooner or later.

We are young. And, if i may say, ambitious (we wouldn't be slaving away in this law school,
if we didn't want to become lawyers someday, would we?).

We have high hopes for the future.
The thought that Death can claim us anytime is suppressed by the things we look forward to, (along with the provisions and cases we need to read and remember.)

However, I am always reminded of Death.

In Ateneo, there have been three deaths this semester.
Young, brilliant individuals taken away.

I think of my dear friend PK, who, last Valentines day, was just dropping off his children to school when his car got hit by an overspeeding bus.

Last sunday, I encountered at least five different funeral processions along Katipunan and Marikina.

Yesterday afternoon, I was unplugging my laptop, when my finger made contact with the plug
which was not yet completely removed from the socket. I got electricuted. I felt shocked.
My arm went numb for an hour.

I am fine now.
But I just couldn't stop thinking what a close call it was.

I couldn't help thinking "What if I had died? What would I leave behind? What would people say about me?" (I hope they wouldn't say I was too careless with wires. haha)

Just this week, I read that Paul Newman died. His friend Sally Field said "Sometimes God
makes perfect people, and Paul was one of them"

He was described as a business mogul, and a heartthrob, but what touched me was that he
was also described as a loving and generous man.

Yesterday afternoon's incident got me thinking... "Have I loved enough? Did I show people that I cared?"

Have I told the people I love that I loved them, today?

I sent messages to my family that I loved them, without explaining what happened.

I had short chats on the phone with them, and repeated that I loved them.

Two of my friends laughed at my actions yesterday and said I was being too melodramatic.


Death is unthinkable. But it is inevitable...

and it can come like a thief in the night.

So, am I too dramatic? Am I over reacting?

Maybe.

I'd still say I love you, anyway.



How about you now, have you spread out love today?


As my one of my favorite songs from Rent goes... "No day but today".

No day but today.


#

*name changed

Sundae and Soul-soothing moments

I headed to Jollibee Katipunan after my class ended at 9:30 PM last Tuesday.

Katipunan was in a frenzied state. A bonfire with fireworks and a concert was being held in Ateneo in celebration of their Men's Basketball Team's victory against their rival La Salle in the UAAP Championship.

Cars were "double" double parked. Restaurants along the avenue were teeming with people. The next day was a holiday (Eid al Fitr) and people were in the mood to celebrate.

The heightened excitement all around me felt rough on my skin. The noise irritated my ears.
Cologne, sweat, and smog stuffed my nose. And there were just too many people wearing blue shirts.

I sighed. I was grumpy because I had a tiring day, with work and law 105 class. I was hungry.
I was missing some people.
I wanted to be part of the celebration, but I just really wanted to be alone.

The line at the counter was long. I welcomed this as I had time to think.

I decided to eat my favorite shanghai rolls, and I decided to love myself a little more and ordered a rocky road sundae with my meal.

I realize this may sound like a Jollibee ad. But Jollibee has always been my "default" food
when I don't feel like thinking or when I'm too tired to think of what to eat.
And the food there has been become my comfort food.

I felt warm all over as I took a bite of my shanghai roll and my steak. When I got to my sundae, I tuned out everything. I let the cool and smooth vanilla melt in my mouth. I smiled as I chewed on the brownies and nuts. I let my taste buds savor the chocolate syrup that sank at the bottom of the cup.

I was told later that the fireworks were launched at the time I was savoring my sundae moment.
(I can imagine everyone looking outside at the display while I was in my own little world.)
Yes, I would have loved to watch the fireworks display, but I am happy for my simple moment of enjoying a cup of sundae.
It wasn't glamorous or magnificent, but it quietly and gently soothed my soul.

Later, my friends invited me to catch up with them and watch the concert in Ateneo. I jokingly
declined saying "Magtiniguwang ko. Mang-haplas kog epikascent oil og matug na. Enjoy mo mga batan-on diha.
Pag-amping lang." (I'll just be an old lady, put on some efficascent oil and sleep.
You young ones enjoy there, just take care)

Of course I didn't sleep yet. My brother Ingko called, and we talked for a few minutes about random less serious stuff. I looked at some pictures. Laughed at my old written works. Wrote down my thoughts. Some people might say I was being "autistic", but I love simple quiet "me" times.

I woke up early the next day, watched the second episode of Heroes on my laptop*,

and stayed in bed listening to the rain**.

Ahhh. Thank God for sundaes and soul-soothing moments.

#


* thanks to zai. love you zai! you're my heroine? hehe
** of course, I got out of bed in the afternoon, and that's another story all together. I'll also write about that... :-)

The End

the end.

it is --

what

we must accept

now.

blown off by winds of change

with too much sun

with too much rain

love withered away.

but

love bloomed

then,

i remember

when we first met,

You smiled


(Begin here)

A Night Swim

I had the infinity-edge pool to myself.

I was at the Raya Garden in Paranaque, visiting my brother's family for the weekend.
When I got to their condo, my baby niece was sleeping.
She woke up with a start and cried. She cried some more when she saw me, like she didn't know me.
She looked really cute when she cried. But i decided to get out of her way, and take a swim.

The water looked inviting, yet it looked too smooth and tranquil to disturb.
The dim lights from the clubhouse made it solemn.
It matched my mood.

I took a dip. Feeling the coolness of the smooth liquid on my face, washing away my invisible tears.

I swam the entire length of the pool, loving the way the water parted as I sliced it with my arms. When I reached the other end, I closed my eyes and dived into the water, letting it engulf me. I do not hear anything except the gurgle of water around my ears,and the beating of my own heart.

I let all my breath out.I wanted to sink to the bottom of the pool.
When I ran out of air, my body struggled to the surface.
My head bobbed up above the water.
I choked and coughed.
I took a deep breath.
My nose hurt.
I wiped off the water and opened my eyes.
I looked up and saw the waxing gibbous moon.
I smiled.
I laughed**.

I kicked my feet up to the water, spread my arms and lay on my back.
And I just floated on the water and watched the clouds cover and uncover the moon.
It was a beautiful night.

When I went back to the condo, my brother prepared sushi and sashimi.
My brother, my sis-in-law, and I shared stories over delicious slices of tuna and salmon.
Baby Jury also woke up and entertained us with her smiles, gurgles and new antics (she shakes her arms when she is asked "Deal or No Deal?").
This time she decided I was her friend and let me hold her.

It was like I was holding love in my arms.

After eating, we watched a movie on DVD and had a good time.
Then when everyone slept and everything was quite, I took some time to read a book I've putting off reading for some time.

The message was of love and loving.

My eyes stung, and my heart squeezed.
I choked and coughed.
I closed my eyes.
I held my breath.
I will not struggle to the surface.
I will wait for nature to do it's job -- I know I will rise up, with my head above water.
I will breathe again.

**Note: To those who do not know, I have an affinity for the waxing gibbous. My main blog's name is The Waxing Gibbous.

Quotes from my Succession Class

I compiled funny quotes from our Succession class in UP Law
(i write them down with my notes).

Prof*: What is a will?
Student: It is an instrument sir.
Prof: Instrument? What do u mean instrument?
Student: A written instrument sir
Prof: Why, is there an oral instrument? That sounds obscene!

*Name hidden to protect the brilliant.

---

Prof: The judge who decided the first case is really stupid.
He must have studied in Ateneo Law.

The class gleefully laughs.

Prof (smiles): Of course, when I lectured at the Ateneo yesterday, I said the judge
must have studied in UP Law...
and they also laughed the way you did.

---

Prof: Your parents or ascendants are your compulsory heirs if you
don't have legitimate children.
(Points to a male student) You Mr.R, are you married?
Student: No sir.
Prof: Do you have children?
Student (laughs): No Sir.
Prof: Why do you laugh, is it not possible to have children even if you're not married?
Student: It's very possible sir.
Prof: Yes! Your gonads still work even if you're not married!

---

Prof (continues): in fact, right now you may have children you don't know about Mr. R.
Student: Sir, I make sure that that's not possible.

----

Prof: If you have more than one child, the legitime of the spouse is equal to one share of a
legitimate child.
Therefore, the more legitimate children a person has, the lesser his spouse's legitime
becomes.
This may be a good family planning tool. When the husband would want to do it,
the wife would say "Ayoko! My legitime will get lesser if we have more children!"

---

Prof checks attendance.
Prof: Wow. Everybody's here. It's the first time that the class is complete.
The first time! (smiles) I feel de-virginized!

Boulders Don't Fit in Jars

Put in rocks first, and you can fit in pebbles, and sand, and ground coffee beans, and water around it.

You get that.

Once, he said you rocked his world.

Now, you’re not a rock in his life.

He wants his career. His plans.

Or his freedom more.

You get that.

You’re probably a pebble. Or a coffee bean.

Or sugar on top.

When the jar is full, you get disposed of.

You get that.

No.

You don’t.

You don’t get it.

You’re not a pebble, a coffee bean, sugar.

You’re a boulder.

Big, strong, powerful.

Awesome.

Boulders just don’t fit in jars.

You’re meant for something bigger.

You get that?

(Note: Just in case you're reading this... and thinking...

No, this is not about you or us. :-p)

CONGRATS WANIA

Congrats, Rania Reeda Bahjin. M.D. ka na talaga. hindi na murag duktor. hhehehe

On Growing Old

I wondered if I was supposed to feel old, when I woke up last Wednesday. It was my 20+++ birthday (a lady does not divulge her real age).

I certainly did not.

I got concerned that if I didn't feel old, I didn't feel my age. Was I immature? Was I still such a baby?

But then, I asked myself -- What should people my age supposed to feel anyway?

So, I tried to make a connection between my feelings and the years I have lived and the experiences I have gone through.

I have been in this world for more than a score now, but I felt like I was just 20, without pluses. I had rough times, but my heart is not coarse and calloused. Of course, there are days when I feel I am a hundred years old. But not that morning. On my 20+++ birthday, I felt I didn't change much since I was 18.

So, I tried to measure my emotions and sense of being by examining it against society's expectations from a 20+++ year old lady.

By the time she was my age, my mother already had 3 children. The world has changed a bit since then. But I gather that our age, most of my peers today are already married. With a kid or two. Their concerns may be disciplining their children and taking care of their children's needs (studies, food, clothes, shelter, medicine, etc), managing the household, paying the mortgage and bills. In rural communities, an unmarried woman my age would be called an ‘old maid’.

I am single (and happy). I own my time. I spend free time reading, writing, staring into space, and watching films. I have a boyfriend who I plan to marry (I hope he plans to marry me too. haha) I live alone in a small but nice studio apartment. I cook for myself, and I clean up my own mess. I have rent and bills to pay.

Now, am I much different from my married peers?

I say not much. I take care of myself. I take care of my family and friends. The fact that I don't have kids yet does not make me feel inadequate (I now know how to properly carry a little baby, thanks to Baby Jury). I am an independent woman who can handle responsibilities.

So, I tried to analyze my unsettled feelings by thinking of what I expected when I was younger, that I should have achieved when I reached this age.

By now, I think I should have graduated from college, and have a Masters degree or a Doctorate degree, have stable career, be financially independent, go to high places and make a difference in the world. It would seem that being up and about, getting a direction and even getting stressed is part of being mature.

Now, I thought that must be it. I am still in the middle of my law degree (with Dad and Mom paying for my studies). I feel unsure of what I ultimately want to do with my life.

But then, I do have a college degree. And I have job. I am a productive citizen. I care about our country. I care about our world. I get frustrated. I get really really tired. I do my best even if my best still falls short from standards other people set.

And then I felt ironic. Here I was, wondering why I don't feel old, when a lot of people want to feel young.

I found my problem then. I realized that since I was a child, I wanted to feel "mature". I did not want to be babied (which I was). In fact when I was fourteen, I came here to Manila from Bohol for a convention. I sneaked out to have a sight-seeing adventure with my cousin Dasa and wrote a note to our adult companions that they should not worry where we are because we were already "mature". Of course, we got lost in Manila and I got ribbed for being "mature" for a while.

I realized that by trying to feel old, I have not really accepted who I am. That I am a young person. I look young and I feel young. I am a kid-at-heart. I love to play games. I love hugs, stories, chocolates, vanilla milkshakes, and ice cream. I love to laugh, sing, and skip. I grin and wrinkle my nose without a slightest trace of “mature” sophistication. I engage in "baby talk" with people who think I am cute that way. I have a lot of dreams that excite me, and I make plans for the future which scares me. I wonder, and I ask a lot of questions. I get confused, and I make mistakes.

Then, I read Eleven by Sandra Cisneros. It said there that "What they don't understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one. And when you wake up on your eleventh birthday, you expect to feel eleven, but you don't. You open your eyes and everything's just like yesterday, only it's today..."

I realize she hit the mark. I am not just 20+++. I was also 20++, 20+, 20, 19, 18... :-)

That realization helped me celebrate the me that was, the me yet to come, the me now, and the me that has always been.

I realize that by not acknowledging my youthfulness, I will just wake up one day, and feel old without ever feeling good about being young.

I realize that being child-like is not being childish. Being young does not equate to being immature.

And now, I celebrate that I grew up, but I didn't grow old.

Happy 20+++ Birthday to me. :-)

PK

My friends and I called ourselves the "losers' club". This changed when PK came and helped us out of the rut, mainly just by believing in us.

PK, or Pastor Kevin (we abbreviated our youth minister's names -- PD for Pastor Dan, Pegay for Pastor Egay) is one person who I could point to as someone who made a difference in my life, and to whom I would always be grateful.

PK was a busy man, but he was a friend who had time to listen to issues, dreams, and secrets. A friend who knew my weaknesses, but didn't judge me. A friend who celebrated small victories with me, and who sincerely praised me for my achievements. A friend who helped me believe in myself, and that I have a lot to share to the world.

I used to see him almost everyday. Wednesday student bible fellowship, Saturday choir practice, weekday meetings, Sunday church service, regular retreats, annual summer caravans. My friends and I would just hang out at the UPCYM Tambayan or at the church library and PK would just be there, with his nose buried in a book or in his work, brewed coffee and Ricoa flat tops at his side. He'd share his coffee and chocolates, engage us in interesting conversation, play the guitar and sing with us, or play a game or two (like our favorite boardgame Acquire). It was also in those 'tambay' hours that PK witnessed the blossoming friendship -- and love-- between me and Aris (though he was clueless at first! hehe). We said if ever we get married, PK would naturally officiate the wedding ceremony.

I learned a lot from PK -- from greek words to leadership skills, from bible interpretation to business strategies. He also shared his life experiences and how he overcame obstacles (one of the many stories that inspired us was how he just hitched a ride in a mango delivery truck from Abra to Manila, to enroll for college in UP Diliman. Not knowing anyone in the city, he just slept at the UP Sunken Garden*). Of course, he was far from perfect, but he tried to teach by example. PK never "wasted" any time. He was a master of multi-tasking. When he had a "spare" time, he'd read a book, or practice his guitar playing.

My friends and I eventually graduated, 'grew up', tried to live fruitful lives (are trying still), and faced more challenges (are facing still!). We try our best to apply what we have been taught, use what we have been equipped with, and share what we can to the world. PK's sermons and lectures (which were always organized and interesting) fortunately stuck like glue. To this day, I use words and tools that were taught to me by PK. Words like injunction, accountability, 5 affirmations of peace**...

I remember during our Caravan in Bohol, my friend wanted to stay behind after the caravan and continue with her vacation there. I told her to seek the 5 affirmations of peace first. PK overheard this and said in jest "Aba, may legacy na pala ako. Pwede na ako mamatay."

What sticks to me the most was the way PK never allowed us, girls, to sit in the passenger's seat when he would drive us home in his car. He said it was only Tita Belle-- his wife-- who could sit there, "di bale na magmukha akong driver" . For that and so many other ways, he taught us about love and how to show your loved one how important she/he is.

If it was not tragic, it would be romantic to think that PK died with Tita Belle, his queen, in the passenger's seat on Valentine's Day.***

They say everything happens for a reason. I don't know what was the reason for their tragic death. But their death did brought out something good-- long lost friends came for a 'sort of' reunion, and good memories came back, reminding Aris and me of happy times, of how far we have gone, and how love is always worth fighting for.

It has been exactly a month now, this is my way of letting go. The shock and grief have subsided, but when I make mental notes for my wedding, I still imagine PK officiating it.

Of course, the wedding would still be in a year or two (I hope). But when that day would come, it would be a celebration of a legacy of faith, friendship, and love.

Thanks to you PK, thank you my mentor and friend. #


* which is not a garden, but a big field which is said to be "sinking" every year
* *Spirit, Family, Community, Doctrine, Self.
**An overspeeding bus hit their car after they dropped off their kids in school. Please pray for their very young children Isabella and Carlos.

Thanks Sophomore Chorale and Malcolm Idolaw

Law School was getting tedious, demanding, boring. The "Socratic Method" was not working for me. I would usually laugh off and be cool when insults are hurled my way, but this time the blows have broken my heart and my wings. I needed to do something to save my sanity. Music and friendship saved the day.

I joined the sophomore batch choir for the Sing You in Court chorale competition (part of the Malcolm Idolaw, the first ever concert of UP College of Law) to do something new -- or to do something 'old'. Something I love doing but haven't got the time to do, which is singing-- singing with a group for that matter (I do sing a lot, especially in the shower. hehehe).

Music does lift a tired soul. The melodies soothed my wounds. And by joining the choir, my world also widened. I came to know more people from the Law School, people who have colorful and interesting personalities, people that I now consider my friends.

And we won. We were the first ever grand champions. And we got the first prize of 20,000 pesos! (though we have already incurred expenses for our costumes, etc).
Though, win or lose, it would have been all worth it. It was an honor to represent the batch; I enjoyed singing and learning, and getting to know other people; I got my sanity back.

Thanks Sophomore Chorale, thanks to the organizers of Malcolm Idolaw for the opportunity to sing, express myself, and fly once more.